Articles
The Psychology of Self-Hate
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“I am deeply distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God has departed from me and does not answer me anymore, neither by prophets nor by dreams. Therefore I have called you, that you may reveal to me what I should do.” (1 Sam. 28:15).
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King Saul was in serious trouble. He was facing a Philistine army that outnumbered and outmaneuvered his own. Worse, God had abandoned him, providing no guidance on how he should proceed. So Saul resorted to necromancy--summoning the spirits of the dead--to seek counsel from the ghost of Samuel. But the apparition of the prophet had no words of comfort for Saul, only a message of doom: "Tomorrow you and your sons will be with me" (v. 19). Upon hearing his fate, Saul collapsed on the ground, "dreadfully afraid" (v. 20). He had nothing left to live for, and in the ensuing battle, as the enemy closed in, he took his own life.
It was a tragic end to a wasted life. As a young man, when he was anointed the first king of Israel, he displayed all the attributes of humility and service to his nation. But somewhere along the way the humility gave way to paranoia, and his behavior descended into madness. He trusted no one and saw enemies everywhere he looked, even within his own family. He wasted the better part of his reign pursuing a personal vendetta against David, a young son-in-law who had done nothing but good for him. When his foolishness was exposed to his face, he would express remorse over his mistakes--then revert back to the same behaviors.
The root of Saul's problems lay deeper than simple personality flaws. Samuel identified it as a perverse attitude toward God: "You did not obey the voice of the Lord" (v. 18). Throughout much of his later life, Saul had treated God as a token, a mere tool to be manipulated to his own selfish purposes. Now, at the end, the God he had treated so shamefully had become his enemy.
The story of Saul illuminates the crises of drug abuse, mental illness, and suicide that is currently ravaging our society. People hate themselves, not because they are bad, but because they have abandoned God. Even among "believers," God is often treated as little more than a Santa Claus who dispenses goodies on demand--and their faith is shattered when He doesn't deliver.
At the very end, Saul pleaded with Samuel to tell him "what I should do." If he had been asking that question all along, he would not have ended up in such a miserable condition. A healthy self-image begins with a heart that acknowledges God's will in every area of life, and humbly submits to its influence.
God will not abandon us--but only if we remain loyal to Him, whatever the cost.
--David
